Surrounding Chaos

#neveralone #Jesuslovesyou #anxiety #despair #overwhelmed

02.16.23

Getting to my parent's house after church, bombarded by anxiety and distress, I wanted desperately to be Home. Away from the constant failure, the inability to make enough to save a little of what I had earned from working because of monthly expenses, my mind, my unkept room and car, and the constant reminder of the broken things in my life.

In the past, when my circumstances overwhelmed me, despair would engulf me to the point where I would grab anything and everything in my sight and throw it in a black trash bag. There would be no thought of, "Oh, I might need this tomorrow," or "I just bought this." It was a part of my distress, something I had control of and needed to go, so by the end, I would have 2-3 black trashbags filled. I would throw them into the trash cans outside my house.

Although it was satisfying to see a clean room, I had thrown out things I should have never thrown out, and I would then break down afterward. I don't know when I started doing this, but I know it was before my tween years.

Last night, though the urge to throw everything away was strong, my desire to honor God with what I had was greater. The Lord calls us to be good stewards of the possessions He has provided us. I was fighting, trying to find the purpose in what I had. In the end, I placed what I could in a bag and cleaned my car with the mindset that I would donate, sell, give as a gift, or give my possessions to the homeless.

As I was reading my bible this morning, I was reminded of Jesus' humanity in Matthew 26:36-46, when He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. Jesus showed grief and distress and was deeply depressed in verse 37. He prayed for an alternative three times but was still willing to do the Father's will no matter the cost. He prayed, "not my will, but your will be done."

It is a great comfort knowing that I am not alone and that "... we (I) do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our (my) weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are (I am), yet without sin." Hebrews 4:15. Jesus has experienced all that we face, and so much more, and knows what we are going through.

My prayer: is that in those moments that I become so distressed that I would turn to Jesus for comfort, be still before His presence, and follow His example. To be submitted to the will of the Father and trust He has everything in control. Also, to worship despite my circumstance.